I'm Slipping...

December 20, 2006, Rodney and I would have been married 11 years.  I did pretty good that day, until that evening.  When I went home my mind started running through things as it usually does.  I woke up the next morning and so did not want to get out of bed.  I was very upset all day and did not feel like being social or doing really anything.  I have a 3 day weekend coming up.  Joy.  3 days for my mind to mull stuff over.  I can hardly wait.  I keep looking at pictures and I cry.  I miss him more than I can ever say.  I don't think I can really be happy ever again.  A piece of me is missing.  No matter how much I try, I am still existing and not living this life.  I still see no future for me.  I am nothing.  I keep thinking about that morning again and things I should of done.  I know, wouda, coulda, shoulda.  I think I am slowly losing the fight with my depression, no matter how hard I pretend everything is ok.  No matter how much I laugh and talk to people.  I have this dark, empty void inside.  I am so tired.  Tired mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I am back to feeling like I could sleep for days.  My resolve and determination to do whats needs to be done and to continue marching on is slipping.  I am letting things like bills fall to the wayside again.  I'm back to I don't care.  I am just so tired. 

Happiest Days?

We were sitting around a fire pit tonight.  Some of my friends and myself.  They were talking about what was the happiest days of their lives.  I never said anything, but I was doing a lot of thinking.  I think the happiest days of my life was when I was with Rodney.  I tried to think of some other times that I was happy, but for some reason they eluded me.  I know I had other happy times, I just cant seem to think of them right now.  I seem to have lost a lot of "drive" in my life if you will.  I feel I am existing in life, but not really living it right now.  I'm just along for the ride.  Going with the flow.  It has came up several times that I need to find something I'm passionate about.  I can't even enjoy the things in life I used to enjoy.  How can I find something I'm passionate about?  My life is moving forward, things are happening it it.  Things I think are for the better, but I feel numb.  I am not really happy or excited about it.  I can see that other people are excited and happy for me, but I feel like my life is not real.  Its just "there".